Lifestyle faq
The Lifestyle is a lot more than most non-swingers think... and a lot less than what others think. If you're here, it means you want to learn the real scoop on swinging. Fantastic! Learning is fun... Especially when it's about a sexy subject like this one! Even if you're not interested in experiencing the Lifestyle for yourself, we hope this information helps you gain a better understanding of what the Lifestyle is all about and the fantastic people involved in it.
Here are some of the questions that we asked when we first entered the swinging Lifestyle, as well as some other important stuff that we learned along the way!
Full Swap: Sexual activity between couples that includes intercourse.
Play: A term commonly used in the Lifestyle, meaning any kind of sexual activity.
Soft Swap: Sexual activity between couples that does not include intercourse.
Unicorn: A single female in the Lifestyle.
Vanilla: Anything or anyone that is not involved in the Lifestyle. It could apply to people, or things. Vanilla couple = A non-swinger couple. Vanilla party = Not a swinger party.
A recent ABC News report estimated that there are over 4 million swingers in America. Since most swingers are usually pretty secretive about their involvement in the Lifestyle, this estimation is probably on the lower side. We've actually heard estimates go as high as 8 million!
Think about that for a second... 4 million swingers in America... That is about 1 out of 75 people! Do YOU know 75 people?Swinging is not cheating. If we may be so bold as to quote an episode of Dr. Phil, he defined cheating by two things:
1) If you do something with someone else that you would not do if your partner was standing right next to you, it is cheating.
2) If you are going outside the relationship to get something that you should be getting inside the relationship, it is cheating.
In the case of swingers these two things do not apply. Since the majority of swinging activities occur while the spouse is present, approving and enthusiastic, Dr. Phil’s 1st definition does not apply to swinging.
Furthermore, since swinging is an activity that a couple experiences and enjoys together, the Lifestyle becomes part of their relationship, not something outside of it. So Dr. Phil’s 2nd definition does not apply either.
Anything you do with someone else behind your partner’s back and against their wishes is betrayal of trust. Swingers eliminate lying, distrust and secrecy from their relationship. Everything that a person does in the Lifestyle is done openly, honestly and with the full consent and enthusiasm of their partner. Otherwise, even the most experienced swinger would consider it cheating. Swingers detest cheaters and do not condone cheating of any kind.
Thanks for the help Dr. Phil! You’re a swinger’s best pal!"Aren’t swingers all older retired people? Is there anyone young in the Lifestyle?"
The truth is, that there are a HUGE number of younger people in the Lifestyle!
There was once a time in this country when someone could be fired from a job because they were homosexual… So gays and lesbians were forced to keep their sexuality a secret. There was also a time in this country when it was against the law to have an inter-racial relationship… So interracial couples had to keep their relationships secret. Both homosexuality and interracial couples have since gained acceptance among most of the country and no longer need to fear repercussions….
Unfortunately the same cannot yet be said about the Lifestyle.
Younger people usually have much greater reasons to keep their involvement in the Lifestyle a guarded secret. Younger swingers are more likely to work for an employer who might fire them or make life difficult if anyone at work ever found out. They may have parents and family that would be disapproving of their personal lives. They are also more likely to have younger children whose lives would become very difficult and embarrassing if their schoolmates or other parents found out.
The reason that 99% of the swingers that you see appearing in documentaries and talk shows are older, is because they no longer face the same risks as younger swingers. The older swingers who speak publicly about their lifestyle usually own there own businesses or are retired by now, so they don’t fear losing their jobs. Their parents may no longer be alive, so they don’t have to fear being disowned by family. Their children are all grown up and out of the house. They no longer have the same risks, so they don’t care who finds out.There are hundreds of thousands of attractive younger people in the Lifestyle, and since the invention of the internet, the number of new people in the Lifestyle has exploded in the past ten years! You just need to know where to look.
We have news for you, the days of the shirt unbuttoned to the navel and gold chains galore are long gone. Most of the swingers we know and swing with are professionals with 6 figure incomes. Contrary to popular belief, most swingers are usually highly educated people. A lot of them started swinging while in college earning their degrees (however in college it is not called swinging, it is called "having fun").
Here’s a list of actual professions held by some of the people in the Lifestyle that we’ve met:
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Accountant |
Editor Electrical engineer Environmental scientist Financial manager Fire marshal Flight attendant Game designer Geophysicist Graphic artist Gynecologist Housewife Hydraulic engineer Information Technologist Intelligence officer Inventor Investment banker Journalist Judge Landlord Librarian Lifeguard Lighting technician Lyricist Magician Make-up artist Marine Masseuse Mathematician Medic Microbiologist Minister |
Model Musician Nanny Nurse Obstetrician Ophthalmologist Pastor Pathologist Personal Trainer Photographer Physicist Pilot Politician Psychiatrist Psychologist Rabbi Radiologist Real estate agent Record Producer Roofer Screenwriter Singer Social worker Software engineer Teacher Travel Agent Veterinarian Video-editor Violinist Web designer Wedding planner |
We only said that we’ve MET these people. We’ve only played with some of them, the rest are friends and acquaintances. Why on earth would you automatically assume that we’ve had sex with every swinger we’ve met !
"Isn’t that all that swingers do when they’re together?… Have sex?"
That’s ridiculous! While an open-minded and playful attitude towards sex is something that all people in the Lifestyle have in common, it doesn’t mean that sex is some sort of mandatory requirement when swingers meet each other. Swingers aren’t rabbits! Just like in the regular dating world, there has to be chemistry & mutual attraction between people before anyone 'gets jiggy'.
Some of our very closest friends are people in the Lifestyle who we have no sexual relationship with. But they’re wonderful and open-minded people who we can truly be ourselves around. In that way belonging to the Lifestyle is a lot like belonging to a religion."How can you possibly compare belonging to the Lifestyle to belonging to a religion?"
Easily! Let’s say that you belong to the local (Insert Your Religion Here) Church in your home town. One day a sudden tornado carries you 1000 miles away to a strange town where you don’t know anybody. If you go to the (Insert Your Religion Here) Church in that town, you will immediately be surrounded by people who think just like you, and believe in the same things you do. You suddenly belong to a community in that town. You know you can count on these people to help you if you needed it, and you would do the same for them.
The Lifestyle is exactly the same way. Since we joined the lifestyle we’ve corresponded and made friends with people in the Lifestyle from several states. Now no matter where we travel, we always have friends to show us around town, take us to the local events, or even give us a place to stay. They don’t do these nice things because they expect sex in return. They do them because we are one of them… And if there’s chemistry, sex is just a bonus.
The Lifestyle is not a religion. But just like most religions, the Lifestyle is a community of like-minded people, who live a certain way of life and who look out for one another…
However, unlike most religions, sex is encouraged and appreciated.We’re tired of people claiming that the Lifestyle causes breakups. That’s like a murderer blaming the knife. A knife doesn’t stab people by itself.
We won’t lie to you. There are some relationships which have broken up while trying to enter the Lifestyle. But that is usually because one half of the couple was pushed into it by their spouse. That is not the Lifestyle’s fault. That’s the fault of an unstable relationship with bad communication and lack of respect for your partner. Swinging is a decision that BOTH partners have to agree on totally and completely. You wouldn’t force your spouse to move to a new city without discussing it with them first, right? Of course not, they’d probably divorce you, and with good reason! You obviously didn’t respect them and were only thinking about yourself.
People who scapegoat the Lifestyle as the cause of their breakup are people who don’t want to face their own more serious problems with their relationship skills.Statistics show that 78.5% of married couples in the lifestyle are very happy while 64% of the general public are the same. As you can see, couples in the Lifestyle are actually more likely to be very happy in their relationships than the average couple. It’s easy to understand why, since couples that swing typically have a much higher level of trust, honesty and communication with their partner than the average non-swinger couple. You don’t need Dr. Phil to tell you that those are three things that are key in a healthy and happy relationship. Plus, having a spouse who wants to help you fulfill your sexual fantasies… How can you not be happy about that!?
No! No! Nooooooooooo!!!! We can’t stress this enough! If you are having problems with your relationship DO NOT under any circumstances get into the Lifestyle! You will most likely end up destroying your relationship.
You should only enter the Lifestyle if you already have a stable, trusting and wonderful relationship. If your relationship is already great, and both partners are willing, the Lifestyle can make it even better.
Couples first entering the Lifestyle can often stir up unexpected and powerful emotions such as jealousy, which can only be overcome if your relationship is solid. A shaky relationship will only get worse.
Before entering the Lifestyle you MUST make sure that you and your partner have no outstanding or unresolved problems or emotional turmoil. Otherwise you will be committing “relationship suicide”.
“If my spouse really loved me, wouldn’t I be the only one they think about having sex with?”
You can’t possibly believe that, can you? Do you honestly mean to tell us that you’ve never had sexual thoughts about anyone who isn’t your partner? Or course you have!… You’re probably doing it right now! Everyone does it, because it’s natural. Humans have powerful libidos and even more powerful imaginations. George Clooney was named “Sexiest Man Alive” because women think about having sex with him. The Dallas cheerleaders aren’t popular because they are good dancers. They’re popular because men think about having sex with them.
But when you think about your favorite sexy celebrity, that is all you are thinking about, the sex. You are not thinking about how much you love and care for them. You are not thinking about spending your life with them. You’re not thinking about the wonderful look on their face when you throw them a surprise party. You’re not thinking about how safe and secure you feel in their arms. You’re not thinking about how they mean more to you than anything in your entire life… Those are not the feelings that you feel for every person that you find sexually attractive. They are the feelings that you feel only for the one you love… And your mate feels the same about you.
There are two things at work here, animal lust and love. Animal lust is what you felt in your late teens early twenties when you were on your dates and had that first kiss, the first touch of her thigh, the feeling of his hand on your knee not knowing if you were going to explode then things progressed. When we fall in love, those feelings of lust towards your partner will eventually cool down, and are replaced with a wonderful feeling of security and attachment. But the craving for animal lust will always be there… That is why so many people give in to the lustful cravings and cheat on their spouses.
Swinging is something that couples do because they love each other. They love to please each other and watch each other be pleasured. The passion that it stirs in them can take them to a higher level of intensity than you could ever believe. Since they willingly indulge each other’s lustful cravings in a cooperative and supervised manner, there is far less chance that they will fall prey to temptation when they are away from each other.
So if you aren’t 100% positive that your partner really loves you, then not only should you not be in the Lifestyle, but you should seriously consider why you are in this relationship at all."Won’t I get incredibly jealous seeing my partner have sex with another person"
You very well might at first. Jealousy is anger and insecurity caused by fear of losing something... In this case, your partner. That’s why it’s important to take things slow, communicate and listen to your partner. You and your partner need to remember that no matter what happens, you love each other and you are going home together. Besides, when you swing with other couples, it’s good to remember that they are there for the same reason as you are, fun. Lifestyle couples are committed to each other and have no interest in stealing your mate or breaking up your relationship.
"But what if someone seems better at sexually pleasuring my spouse than I am?"
That might happen from time to time. There are 2 ways you could handle this situation:
1) Get really upset and jealous and selfishly resent your spouse for enjoying something that felt good.
Or
2) Enjoy watching your spouse receive pleasure, then learn what they were doing so you can add it to your sexual repertoire and do it at home.
We strongly suggest option #2!
You’ll learn something new from almost every person that you play with. Each different person you play with might have one or two special ingredients that you really like… If you pay attention, you can learn how to combine all of the best ingredients into the perfect sexual meal for your partner… And only you know that special recipe!
This is the reason you will never meet a swinger who doesn’t think that sex with their partner is the greatest they’ve ever had… Because each time they play with someone else, the sex at home gets even better!
Heck, we’ve actually written a few “Thank You” letters to Lifestyle friends who have taught us a particularly good new trick!"Can a single person be in the Lifestyle?"
While most of the people in the Lifestyle are couples, there are a fair number of swinging singles (“Swingles”), both females and males. But there is an ENOURMOUS difference between single females & single males in the Lifestyle.
Single females in the Lifestyle are affectionately referred to as “Unicorns”, because they are “beautiful creatures that everyone wants, but are rare and often difficult to find”. Although Unicorns have become more common in the Lifestyle since the time that this term was coined, they are still the rarest type of swinger. Some of them may have joined the Lifestyle as a couple, but the relationship ended for some reason and the female half continues on to enjoy the open-mindedness of the Lifestyle. But most are simply open-minded bi-sexual girls who enjoy being able to express their sexuality in the friendly and safe environment that the Lifestyle offers. We have a single girlfriend who has gone on multiple unsuccessful dates looking for her “Mr. Right”. She has an extremely healthy libido, but she doesn’t want her own sexual frustration to lead her into bed with someone that she isn’t that interested in. The Lifestyle allows her to indulge her sexual needs with friends in a safe environment.
Single males in the Lifestyle… Hmm… Where do we begin? It is very difficult to be a single male in the Lifestyle. While there are a handful of very well respected and popular single males in the Lifestyle, they face an uphill battle against a bad reputation, overpopulation, and general lack of interest. Their bad reputation exists because many single males who decide to join the Lifestyle do so because they think it will be an easy way to have lots of ‘no-strings attached’ sex. They either don’t understand or don’t care about the social complexity and rules of the Lifestyle. Most Lifestyle events and clubs don’t allow single males, because those that do allow them end up packed with horny men who think they are at a meat market… This usually ends up driving away the couples and females. Often these "meat market males" will join a Lifestyle website and immediately start sending unsolicited emails to couples and single females with lewd propositions and/or photos of their ‘goods’. To the best of our knowledge that approach has NEVER worked for a single male. These types of males usually get frustrated when they get no ‘action’ and eventually give up on the Lifestyle… But just like a cockroach, they are usually replaced by two more. It’s no wonder that respectable websites such as www.LifestyleLounge.com have added features that allow couples and females to block all incoming messages from single males. This may sound harsh, but we are simply stating the facts about how these "bad apples" can spoil many people's appetite for single males in the Lifestyle... That being said, it really makes you appreciate the few good apples.
The rare single males who are successful in the Lifestyle are the ones who are patient, respectful, polite, and never ever pushy or assuming. They are usually very active members of online Lifestyle communities, posting in forums and talking in the chat rooms so that other members can get to know their personality. They understand that most people are not interested in single males, and are accepting of that. If a single male has gained the respect of the Lifestyle community he will eventually be contacted by the couples or single females who are interested in him. But it takes a lot of patience, grace & respect... All of which cannot be faked.
We ourselves know several single males in the Lifestyle who we are proud to call friends."Are Lifestyle websites a good place for singles to meet for a LTR?"
Generally not. If you are looking to find a mate, you’re better off joining a site for singles… That being said, we have known a few single males and females who met in the Lifestyle and became very happy couples… So anything’s possible.
"Are all women in the Lifestyle bisexual?"
Not all women in the Lifestyle are bisexual or bi-curious, but the majority of them are. In fact, a woman’s bisexuality, or bi-curiosity is one of the most common reasons that couples get involved in the Lifestyle to begin with.
"Are there bi-sexual men in the Lifestyle?"
Very few. Most men in the Lifestyle are straight. Just as in our mainstream culture, male bisexuality is still gaining acceptance in the Lifestyle. Couples with actively bi-sexual males are usually seeking the same and do not seek out couples with straight men.
"What about diseases and STDs?"
Diseases and STDs are something that everyone should be concerned about, not just swingers. But the reality of the situation is that people in the Lifestyle tend to be far more educated and much more careful about STDs than the average person. They are also far more likely to use sexual protection and get regularly tested than the average person.
If you look at the amount of unplanned pregnancies and the transmission of STD’s in the vanilla world, you can assume that they occur because people don’t use protection… Why!? Why in this day and age would anyone not use protection when having sex? Perhaps they were in the heat of the moment and didn’t have time to put on protection… Perhaps they didn’t have any protection, but they were afraid that if they didn’t have sex now, they would never get the chance again… Perhaps they were just plain stupid and didn’t know any better!
None of these excuses or any others fly in the Lifestyle! Since sexual play with another couple is not usually something that happens “In the spur of the moment”, there is always time to put on protection. Swingers almost always carry sexual protection with them when they go to an event… and in the rare case that nobody has any protection, they will happily take a rain check, knowing that they will always have another opportunity in the near future. Swingers realize that they are not only protecting themselves, they’re protecting their spouses and the spouses of the people they play with. They take this responsibility very seriously.
Not using proper protection before attempting sexual intercourse is viewed as one of the most rude and inexcusable acts in the Lifestyle. Plus, if you attempt to play without protection, you will end up having more than just one person angry at you. Word travels fast in the Lifestyle, and nobody wants to play with “Johnny No-Rubber”."Isn’t the Lifestyle bad for the children of swingers?"
Why on earth would you tell your children about your private sex life!? Do non-swingers tell their children all the dirty details of what goes on in their bedroom? No, there’s never a reason to do that! The only thing that matters to children is that they see that their mother and father love each other and are happy. A child with happy, loving, swinging parents is always better off than a child with angry, fighting, vanilla parents.
"What are your favorite things about being in the Lifestyle?"
In this order:
1) Each Other
The Lifestyle has brought us closer to each other and made our bond stronger than ever. We have better trust and communication than either of us have ever had in previous conventional relationships. Seeing other people appreciate your spouse is a contant remider of just how beautiful they are and how lucky you are to have them.
2) The People
We’ve met so many incredible open –minded people and made so many close friends. You may not believe us, but you’ll learn that the Lifestyle is not all about having sex. Through the people that you’ll meet, you’ll find that your life can improve in many different ways. You might make business contacts, find someone to housesit for you, get a roofing expert to help you fix that hail damage, score football tickets that someone wasn’t using, get free medical advice, free computer support, the list goes on and on. The people we’ve met in the Lifestyle are without a doubt the most generous and helpful people we’ve ever met anywhere. Even the times in our life when we were flat broke, the Lifestyle community made us feel like we were rich.
3) The Sex
I don’t think we need to elaborate on this one… We know you’d like us to… But hopefully you’ll learn for yourself soon enough.
